Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
doing your own taxes
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.