How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.