When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
This could’ve been an email.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
getting corrected
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating