Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time