OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast