“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
You Might Also Like
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.