“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
lol
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
u spoke cat all this time??????
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS