God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Cat is stressing him out.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Y’all ready for this
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
@funTweeters
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared