Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
channeling her this year
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.