You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
#dalle2
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.