Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that