I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
@funTweeters
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.