Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?