Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“A little help here, Danny?”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome