My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.