why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
You Might Also Like
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen