I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”