ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup