If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
this is the best day of my life
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.