Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.