Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course