Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This is my cat’s medicine.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…