the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
How to keep the seat next to you empty.