been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.