Lube but for my dry humor.
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)