her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too