“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You Might Also Like
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.