I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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Breaking news:
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm