If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.