Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.