me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
These work great until they don’t.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
u guys got any snacks onboard here
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous