It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.