My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Good morning, Twitter x
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: