Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Me: A scathing look of disdain
Punctuation Matters. Period.
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ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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“My toe nails are itchy”
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{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.