How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
No, I don’t think I will.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.