ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.