Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Damn he played himself
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.