Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.