TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
You Might Also Like
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I support this random dude and all his protests