You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
okay run it by me one more time
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too