“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.