It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person