How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes