[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
how was your vacation
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles