The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?