i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light