[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Tastes like chicken.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
found my next D&D character name
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with