hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday