Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
me doing my best
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me, after any kind of buffet.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!