Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔